A Guide to Being a Complete Failure

by, Ken "DJNewStyle" Gregory

If there's one thing a college student should learn from their University experience, it's how to ultimately fail in life.  We all have certain expectations as to what lies in our future, and we all want to know what we can become.  A crooked politician, a cop on the take, a kid-touching teacher, or whatever the hell Carrot Top is.. these are all highly plausible dreams and expectations that we can call our own.  Below is a simple guide with some steps you can take to shape your life, and bask in your imminent failure:

Step 1. Listen to your professors!

Take it from the source, ladies and gentlemen.  These people are like the scouts for the professional league of failure.  They may seem educated, but in reality the vast majority of them spend 15 minutes before each lecture ripping lines of coke off of any given 1989 Chrysler that would happen to be in the faculty parking lot at the time.  So take notes, listen up, and go to class.  Only through hard work can your parents be completely let down by what your life has become.

Step 2.  Eat at the dining halls!

Nothing propagates failure like hash and tripe, especially when it’s molded into something that almost resembles a chicken leg.  To achieve your goal of not achieving anything, you need the right diet that only a dining hall can provide!  They have hired a crack squad of motivated workers who are apathetic toward losing hair, because they know you’re bound to find it for them – and if it has to be found in a bowl of Lucky Charms, then god damnit, that’s how it has to be!

Step 3.  Two words:  School Spirit!

If you truly put your heart into your school affliction, I mean affiliation, then the magnitude of failure you’ll experience can only be skyrocketed!  Go to parties, get an STD.  Scratch and stare at the open sores as you head over to the big football game, then watch the coach sit in the parking lot crying with a razor to his arm as he cuts and cuts again because he simply is so overjoyed with failure!  Can anything burn brighter (and with more pain) than a soul doused and set ablaze by plummeted expectations?  I shall say not.

…and finally, Step 4.  Visit the Dean.

We all know that the secret to being a stand out scholar is found in getting to know the Dean. 

Note:  If you follow this step correctly, your potential for failure increases exponentially and brings you from Kid and Play to Buddy Lembeck from Charles in Charge. 

Get to know the Dean.  The Dean is the ultimate in societal runoff.  Discuss your courses.  Discuss life.  Help them use the turkey baster full of THC when they start to come down from that Ajax/Bisquick concoction.  The Dean is your guru – your own personal mentor for totally fucking up a life that had such high hopes and bright smiles.  Drink up, shoot up, and hang yourself.